There's No Such Thing As A Happy Ending
by Chibi Rose Angel
Summary: The tragic loss of a brother. Haunted by his brother’s death, Raphael has become unstable. Half crazed and grief stricken beyond belief, who can help heal the dark void that’s growing within his heart?
1. Chapter 1

**_Author's Notes_**: This story will be a new venture for me for numerous reasons. The first reason is that it's a tragedy and the second reason is that it will contain traces of spirituality in it. I AM NOT I repeat AM NOT trying to force my beliefs on anyone or anything of the sort. As you read this story, you'll have to keep an open mind as well as open heart. By the way, Raphael is going to say some things that may offend some of you. As a Christian, I've either heard or witnessed some of the things he will say or do because it happens every day. It was not my intentions to shove my faith in anyone's face or downplay Christianity. As you read, I sincerely hope and wish that none of you end up believing that this is the way I feel or you should feel about God. All of you are entitled to your own beliefs, views, and opinions. It is **not**, I repeat, it is **not** my place to tell or condemn anyone for their way of life or anything else for that matter. Also, this is one of the follow ups to **_Mistaken Loyalties_**. The poem at the beginning of chapter one was written by yours truly so no plagiarizing please. The poem is a little on the dark side and I'll admit I've had those dark days but as I stated those are not my feelings on a daily basis. With all of that being said, take a seat, relax, and enjoy!

**Truth or Lies**

_Promises are meant to be broken._

_Feelings are meant to be overlooked._

_Hopes are meant to be dashed._

_Dreams are meant to be crushed._

_Loving someone is useless._

_Compassion is a thing of the past._

_Kindness is always a taken for granted._

_Mourning a loved one won't take the pain away._

_Crying won't alleviate the self hatred._

_Grieving is pointless, because the empty feelings will just come back._

_Living in harmony and unity with your fellow man will always be a false reality._

_Peace will never be anything more than a dream._

_Indecisiveness and apprehension will only break your spirit in the long run._

_Playing it safe won't you get you anywhere._

_Shutting out everyone and ignoring their attempts to help hinders the healing process._

_Clinging to false hope is ridiculous._

_Foolishly believing that you're okay and that you don't need others will be your downfall._

_Through my eyes, life is a cruel and pointless waste of time._

_That's why there's no point in living life to the fullest when you're only going to end up suffering. _

_So you tell me; am I lying or not?_

Raphael's point of view

It's been five years since he died. Five long, agonizing years since God decided to take my brother from me. Had I known that night would be the last time I saw him, I would've told him everything I'd kept inside for the past twenty-five years. He didn't know that I admired him. He didn't know that I was proud to have him as a brother.

He didn't know that I loved him. He probably wasn't even aware that I would've done anything to have him here with me. Looking back on our lives before his death, it seems so ironic that it had to be him. Out of the four of us, it should've been me that went first. I was always rushing into battle. I was always acting first and then thinking later. I was always getting myself into trouble.

So why in the shell did it have to be him? He didn't deserve to die! And the worst part about his death is that it's my fault. When we finally located him, I ignored Leo's orders to not engage the enemy. I was determined to bring back my brother.

I'd spent years doing things my way. I never once stopped to think that one day I just might lose one of my brothers. I knew that day would come eventually but for it to come so soon and for it to be the least likely person too…

I just thought I would have all the time in the world. Even though I was an idiot, I honestly believed that in time I'd be able to tell him how much he meant to me. That I'd be able to show him and the others that I loved them even when my actions proved otherwise…

When I got there though, he was on the verge of death. Reason and common sense flew out the window when I saw him lying within a pool of his own blood. I remember rushing to his side and cradling him in my arms, begging him not to go. Telling him that it would destroy us if he died…

In the end, I didn't get my wish. My brother didn't survive.

I remember how the denial set in, which then turned into a hot, bitter, self loathing, before finally metastasizing into anger. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that my brother was dead, and at the time, I wanted to blame anyone but myself. For months, I roamed the topside looking for anything to dull the pain.

Alcohol, drugs, sex, violence, anything at all, to stop the pain from becoming too overbearing, but eventually even that was not enough. So then I did what everybody in the world would do if something this terrible had happened to them.

I blamed God.

It wasn't the Shredder's, Bishop's, Karai's, or anyone else's fault but His. He was supposed to be the Master Creator of the universe, right? He was the one who supposedly never harmed His children.

He was the one who always protected them from harm and evil, but after losing my brother, I soon discovered what a load of bull that was. It didn't make any sense to believe in Him back then and sure as shell didn't make any sense to believe in Him now.

What good would it do me, anyway? If I miraculously woke up one day and decided to have a change of heart, would that bring him back to me? Would that make the heartache, grief and emptiness disappear? What possible purpose could it serve for me, other than to highlight the fact that it's all a bunch of hype?

You can forget everything you've ever read about the prince getting the princess. Forget the stories they told you about how struggle serves to make people better than they were. Ignore them when they say that light will always prevail over darkness.

They lied to me, and they lied to you.

Then again, maybe I'm just being a bitter, arrogant jerk. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not happy or comfortable with the fact that my brother died while I just sat there and did nothing. I told them something like this might happen! I warned them that if we acted too late then he'd pay the ultimate price. Of course, my family didn't listen to me. And it just had to be the first damn time that I was right….

It ain't fair! Why couldn't it have been me? He was supposed to live a long and healthy life! Possibly find himself a girl, settle down, and get a little recognition for that big brain of his, but instead his life was snuffed out, just like that. The others have tried getting me to open up, but it won't do any good. Those feelings are still going to be present even if I do get them out in the open.

If you think I've got it bad, though, you should see the rest of my family. Leo has completely shut down. He doesn't do anything except sleep. And even then, his sleep isn't restful or peaceful because he's plagued by nightmares. Normally Master Splinter wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from Mr. Perfect, but I guess exceptions can be made.

Mikey's picked up the worst habit of immersing himself into everything he does. Whether it's cooking, cleaning, practicing or even reading, he'll do anything to keep his mind off of our loss. I don't mean any disrespect to my fallen brother, but it hurts so much to even say his name.

I gotta do something to get my mind off of him. I'm practically standing on the brink of insanity, and that means any day now I'm going to lose it. I think the only one who came out of this unscathed was Master Splinter. Instead of him suffering from breakdowns like the rest of us, he's kept his feelings under control through meditation.

I don't know how in the world he can go on knowing that he lost a son. If it were me, I'd be devastated. I mean, I'm upset and pretty torn up about this, but I'm not giving in to my feelings.

What's done is done. Under no circumstances, can you change the past. There's nothing I can do to bring him back to me. There's not a snowball's chance in shell that I'll ever see him again. And to be totally honest, it hurts too much.

It hurts so much that I can't think straight or even see the point in living anymore. I ain't gonna be a coward, though, and take the easy way out. As much as I'd like to, there's no way I'm going to leave them now. Not when they need me the most, I'm not.

"Raph?"

I looked up when I heard Mikey's voice on the other side of my door. Did I happen to mention that I've become a turtle hermit? I barely come out of my room for anything. It's almost like this is my own private hell. In here, I can do whatever I want without witnessing those stares.

That's what I hate the most about this whole ordeal. I can't help but feel that everybody is just waiting for my breakdown to happen. They have no idea that I've come extremely close to having several of them within the past couple of years.

"Yeah, Mikey?" I called out gruffly.

"I was going to visit Don…"

Harshly, I interrupted him, "Go by yourself!"

"But, Raph, you haven't been since we buried him."

Something raw and primal inside of me kicked in. Why couldn't he understand that I just didn't want to go? That I was still trying to let go of him? That this was the only way I knew how to grieve and cope with my pain?

"And I told you, I don't need to go! Ain't no sense in bringing up old memories! He's cold and dead! He's not here anymore, so I don't see the point in drudging up the past. You can go and take a trip down memory lane if you want, but it's going to be by yourself. Now get away from my door and don't bother me again!"

"You're not the only one hurting, Raph," he said, sounding impatient. "Why can't you let go and make peace with him?"

His quiet and yet strong words must have hit a sore spot. I got up from my hammock, went to my radio, turned it on and cranked up the volume. Maybe now the idiot would get the picture.

As some random song flooded the lair, I turned my thoughts back to him.

_Donnie, why'd you leave me?_


	2. Chapter 2

**_Author's Notes: _**Nothing has changed from chapter one. There really isn't anything I can think to say except that this story is being beta read by the wickedly talented Diedre-sama! So if you wanna find out just how cool she is, then go check out of her stories! And as always, thanks for reading and reviewing! Oh and if there are any glaring errors then tomorrow I'll be sure to send this chapter to D-chan for another look over.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own anything TMNT related. I'm only writing this story for fun and entertainment purposes so please don't sue.

Chapter 2

Michelangelo's point of view

Would you be surprised if I told you that our lives have gone to hell since Donatello's death? Never in a million years would I have thought that he'd be the first one to go. I always thought it'd be Raph or Leo. Raph, because he was Raph, and Leo, because our enemies always targeted him the most, but Donnie was the last one to ever cross my mind.

I guess now I know what they felt like during that year I was with Karai. They must've been pretty broken and incomplete when they thought I was dead. The difference between me and Donnie, though, is that I came back.

In some ways, a part of me died five years ago. I always knew that we weren't invincible, and that some day we'd die, but not so soon. He was so young, and he had his whole life ahead of him. After the whole incident with Bishop and Shredder, I realized just how fragile and precious life really was. All those times I took my training for granted and now looked what happened.

Donnie died because of our weaknesses.

After being reunited with my family, life went back to the way it used to be. Leo and Raph fought over the stupidest things, as usual. Donnie stayed cooped up in his lab, and I put on the joker's mask once again. Had I been smarter, I would've realized the warning signs, but I didn't.

Because of that one flaw, he paid with his life. I would give anything to have Donnie back. To have him in his lab working on a new project, or to have him lecturing me for touching something I shouldn't or for breaking something by accident. It would all be a welcome distraction.

I know Raph is just upset, but it's time to let go. He can't go on living like this; otherwise he's going to die. Holding your feelings inside is very dangerous and destructive, and it's also an obstacle to healing the wounds. That's where the problem lies with Raph. His wounds aren't old. Instead, they're fresh and being kept open as he continues to pour more and more salt onto them. We've tried everything to get him to understand that it's not his fault.

No one blames him for Donnie's death except himself.

Then again, we weren't the ones who held Donnie in our arms as he took his last breath. We didn't watch him slowly drift away before our very eyes. I think that's the main reason why he refuses to let go of him and acknowledge that he's gone.

To this day, I can still remember what it was like to find them. All of us just watched in deathly silence as Raphael hugged Donnie and cried. There was blood all over the room, and when my eyes fell back on my brothers, I almost broke down on the spot.

To bear witness to such a scene unnerved me on so many levels. It was like time had stopped, leaving me frozen in place to do absolutely nothing as I helplessly watched my tough as nails brother sobbing his heart out while my soft spoken brother lay motionless in Raph's arms.

Ever since that day, Raph's become a different person. He won't eat, sleep or do anything else that's healthy for him. All he does is train until he's exhausted and then goes topside to do whatever he pleases. Leo's also changed. He won't come out of his room, except to use the bathroom or to grab something to eat. He's just been sleeping his life away. Master Splinter is always meditating, so that just leaves me. I think I'm the only one who's really accepted Donnie's death.

Right now, I'm doing some light packing, getting ready to makemy way to the old warehouse. I'll be taking the Battle Shell. It would have been better to bury him here in New York, but if you think about it, there would be a greater chance of someone discovering his grave if he had been buried here. So we decided that it'd be best if we buried him at the farmhouse

Upon entering the warehouse, I walked to the Battle Shell, got in, started it up and then pulledout onto the street. The roads were relatively clear with only a few cars or motorcycles passing by. The skies above were gray and gloomy with thunder rumbling in the distant background. Momentarily, I wondered if the heavens were getting ready to weep for me since my tears were all used up.

Coming upon the intersection I took a left, heading deeper into the city. Before going to see Donnie, I had to stop off at April's.

Leonardo's point of view

It's not my intention to keep them at arm's length. Everyone has been struggling to deal with Don's death, and I tried so hard to keep my sanity intact so I could be strong for them, but in the end, I couldn't. When I realized that we were drifting apart, I tried to stop it from happening, but I failed miserably at that, too. The weight of my own ineffectualism is a hard thing to bear, but when no one wants your help, what can you do?

As I lie here in my bed, my thoughts are on Don. I can't help wondering where he is right now. Is he in heaven, hell, or has he just disappeared all together? I'd like to think that he's in heaven waiting for us, but I don't know what's on the other side. For once in my life, I don't have all the answers, and that terrifies me.

I can faintly hear Raph's radio blaring from his room. I'd overheard most of their conversation, but I didn't get involved. Long ago, I learned that it was better not to get involved with someone you cared about because it was only going to end in tragedy. Take us, for example. We used to lead a dangerous life, but when it was all said and done, we were family. There was no one else in the world for us, so that's why we clung to one another.

Having decided to go and see Raph, I rise from my bed. For the past five years, I've done nothing but grieve, sulk, and mourn. It's about time we got it together and moved on with our lives. If not, then we were surely going to see Don sooner rather than later.

I opened my bedroom door, closed it and then made my way to Raph's room. I took my time because I knew this was going to get messy. This was Raphael, the 'Turtle of Steel,' after all. You couldn't expect things to go smoothly with him.

Once I arrived at his door, I knocked, hoping he'd be able to hear me. When he didn't answer, I thought for sure he was just going to ignore me. Imagine my surprise, therefore, when the music stopped and I heard him answer me.

"What is it?"

"It's me Leo. I was wondering if we could talk."

Nervously, I waited for him to open the door. After an uncomfortable moment, it did, and I walked in. Raph closed it behind me and then went back to his hammock. He sat down in the hammock and then began staring at me as I took a seat on the floor. Looking around for a moment, I was completely appalled with the state of my brother's room. Books, cds, weapons and broken furniture littered every available space of the floor. His sais that he always perfectly maintained were protruding from one of the walls. That's not what scared me the most…instead the random splotches of dried blood on certain areas of the walls of his room were enough to almost send me into a self-righteous angry fit but I resisted the urge to lecture him.

Biting back several comments, I took a deep breath as our eyes finally met. "Raph, how are you holding up?"

He looked away from me, his expression void of any expression. Vaguely, he reminded me of the statues one would normally see in a museum or at a graveyard. As a whole, they were intricately designed and fascinating to study but one look into their dull and lifeless eyes normally indicated otherwise…

It was almost as if my brother's soul was missing and quite frankly, that scared me senseless. Had he really been living his life in so much anguish and pain that he'd willingly become an empty and hollow puppet?

"Fine. What about you?" He spat out in a monotonous tone.

"If you mean, how's it feel to sleep my life away, then I'm just dandy." I replied just as dully.

He shot me a death glare filled with such venom and malice, causing me to momentarily to look away from him. "I didn't let you come in here just to make jokes. What do ya want, Leo?"

I sighed and mentally steeled myself for the worst. He wasn't going to like what I had to say, but it had to be said.

"I heard you and Mikey talking, but that's not the reason why I came to see you. I came in here to talk to you about Don."

His icy gaze would've killed me if it were capable of doing so. "If I said it once, then I'll say it again. I don't wanna hear anything about him. He's gone, so just leave it at that!"

He got up from his hammock and walked to his door. As his hand gripped the doorknob, I decided it was now or never.

"I had a dream about him."

He was just about to open the door when my words stopped him. His grip on the doorknob tightened considerably and his posture went rigid as he slowly and angrily ground out, "That's all ya came in here to tell me? A stupid and pointless dream! That's really sweet, but I'm not interested in hearing about it."

"He's worried about you, Raph." I said softly, keeping my eyes on his back.

"If he's so much worried about me, then he wouldn't have left in the first place."

Wincing at his harsh tone, I could only look on lost for words as his hand left the door handle. Imagine my total surprise when he sat down on the floor next to me. Even though he was refusing to look at me, I took that as a positive sign. At least now I had his attention and he even seemed more willing to listen.

"In the dream, I was standing on cliff. I looked down and saw a breathtaking, crystal-clear ocean. It seemed so endless. The skies were equally clear, and I was looking up into that cloudless expanse, when I heard his voice. I spun around, ran to him without thinking, and tried to embrace him, but when I couldn't, he smiled sadly. Subconsciously, I asked him if he was all right and I got my answer. He's in a better place, but he can't rest in peace until he's sure we're going to be okay."

"So what do you want me to do, Leo? Ya want me to just forget about him? To act like the pain isn't there? Well, unlike you, I can't block out the pain or forget."

Suddenly without warning, his hands were around my throat, his eyes looking wild and glazed over. He looked like a ferocious and possessed minion from hell. Automatically my hands went to my throat as I tried to pry his hands off of me. This only served to further enrage him as his hold tightened on my throat.

Desperately clawing at his hands, I couldn't think straight as my eyes continued to bulge out of their sockets. As I slowly felt my body going limp, his strangle hold loosened giving me the opportune moment to knock his hands away from me. Coughing and gasping in frantic breaths, I leaned over as I gingerly rubbed my throat.

"Raph…" I managed to wheeze out, my voice filled with shock and uncertainty.

Shooting me with yet another fierce glare, he stared at his hands for a moment before finally looking up at me with a horrified and grief stricken look on his face. "What is it going to take for you people to understand that I'm fine! Ya hear me! I'M FINE! I don't need you or anybody else telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing!"

He got up, opened the door and slammed it behind him rather forcefully. I had no idea where he was going, but I hoped it wasn't to do anything stupid.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Notes**_: Chibi proceeds to drag herself into the forum and cautiously peers around. I'm hoping you guys aren't too mad at me for taking so long to update There's No Such Thing As A Happy Ending. I was extremely busy with school, work, extracurricular activities, volunteering and life. But now that I'm out of school that means I've got free time on my hands! And by the way, special thanks go out to Goddess of Idun for making some lovely fanart for my story. I'm flattered and honored that she took the time out to draw a picture for my little old story. Thanks girl! At any rate, there are no warnings this time around and as usual italics will denote character thoughts. Happy reading!

_**Disclaimer**_: I don't own the TMNT franchise or anything else associate with the TMNT franchise. This story is written sorely for entertainment/enjoyment purposes.

Chapter 3

Karai's point of view

I was walking into the lair when Raphael angrily brushed past me. I knew better than to stop him. After the doors to the lair closed, I walked to the kitchen and began putting away the groceries. As I was doing so, I heard someone come into the room.

"Let me help you with those."

"Thank you, Leonardo."

We stored the groceries away in silence. Once that task was accomplished, Leonardo took my hand in his and began walking towards Master Splinter's room. Upon arriving at his bedding chambers, Leonardo knocked softly on the door.

"Yes, Leonardo?"

"Karai and I are going out for a little bit."

"Be careful."

"Yes, sensei."

As we were preparing to leave, I noticed that there was something different about him. After Donatello's death, he had been so withdrawn, but now I saw in him a glimmer of his former self. All those years ago, I did not know how to help him, but perhaps our little outing would help to clear things up between us.

Perhaps things would finally go back to being normal but that was probably hoping for too much. After all, recovering from grave emotional and psychological wounds took time. Leonardo and his brothers had more than enough time to heal from the pain of losing their brother but they were far too stubborn to understand or realize this.

At times, it seemed as though they were very content to live their lives in misery. Nothing I did or tried to do for them mattered. I tried to talk with them so that maybe I could understand what they were going through but they would not listen to me. Spending time with them was not an option because all of them refused to leave the safety of their home or even their rooms.

I was so desperate to help them that I even resorted to making pizza for them… Never mind the fact that my first and last encounter in the kitchen was a complete and total disaster.

Forcing them to deal with their pain and suffering had done me little good. Attempting to forge a closer bond with each of them separately had also left me with unfavorable results. So in the end, I could do nothing but resign myself to wait for them to open up to me.

Inside my heart, I desperately hoped that today would be the day where Leonardo and the others would let go of their agonizing hurt once and for all.

Michelangelo's point of view

I've made it to April's with no trouble, which is to be expected, since the Shredder and Bishop are out of the picture now. Entering her shop, I soon discovered that she was nowhere to be found amongst the clutter packed into every nook and cranny of the building. I wandered through several isles, and finally noticed that someone was in the back of the store. When I got back there, I saw that it was Casey who was in the process of moving something.

I couldn't resist the temptation, so I quietly crept up behind him. When the opportunity presented itself, I grabbed his shoulder, and he dropped what he was holding and shrieked loudly. He whirled around and when he noticed that it was only me, he sighed.

"Give me a heart attack, why don't ya, Mikey!"

I laughed quietly and replied, "I couldn't help it**!" **

He rolled his eyes and then walked back up front. I followed after him.

"What do ya want this time?" he asked.

I could feel my mask began to crumble as I disclosed the reason behind my visit.

"Actually, I stopped by to see April. I was on my way to see Donnie and since she couldn't make it last time, I figured I'd invite her with me this time around."

"She's running an errand, but she should be back pretty soon."

I nodded and then he asked me the question I dreaded answering. "How'she doing?"

I took a deep breath and turned away, looking anywhere but at him. As I did so, I began to take notice of the items that April sold. The old antique vases sitting on the shelves, the rare and timeless framed pictures of centuries past that neatly hung on the walls, the delicate clothing from decades ago that snugly fit the models, and the modest glass showcase that contained all sorts of jewelry suddenly held my interest.

I had begun walking around the store as I looked and sometimes stopped to admire something. It was only when I stopped and rested one hand on the glass showcase, which held a silver band with an amethyst stone in the middle of it that I managed to answer his question.

"He's gotten worse. Raph refuses to accept his death, and to be perfectly honest with you, I'm scared that he's going to do something stupid."

Glancing at him once and then turning quickly away, he must have caught sight of the tears in my eyes. How could he possibly know just how frightened and alone I felt right now? A small sob almost escaped from me, but I fought it off. At a time like this, I couldn't afford to break down.

I was just recovering from his death. I couldn't fall to pieces again.

Casey put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly. "I'll talk to him for ya."

Glancing over at Casey, I couldn't help grinning just a bit. Say what you will about him but when things got rough, he was definitely someone you could depend on. Physically he hadn't really changed that much over the years except for the fact that his hair was a bit shorter and he had lost some weight. He wasn't as rash and temperamental as he used to be either but there were times where he would fall back into his old ways, making April roll her eyes and declare him to be a lost cause.

"Thanks. You don't mind if I wait for April?" I whispered, fearing that if I spoke any louder my voice would betray me.

He shook head and then went to the back to his work.

As he did so, he failed to notice that I was fighting a losing battle against those anguished feelings that were trying to bubble to the surface.

Taking a few shaky breaths, I then went to the back of the store where April kept the book collection. If I was lucky, I'd be able to find something to take my mind off of everything.

Raphael's point of view

I'm at Casey's right now. It's a good thing too because I couldn't have stood another minute of listening to them. When I'm ready to go see him, then I'll go see him, and not a minute sooner. I'm sitting on top of the roof, enjoying the fresh air and freedom of being alone.

_Freedom, my tail! You're just doing this so you won't have to go back home and face the others. You lashed out at them because they were trying to help you and now you're up here feeling sorry for yourself._

Shaking my head to rid myself of such thoughts, I folded my arms across my plastron. I was _**not**_ sulking or feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to be left alone, but my family didn't seem to understand that. I appreciated the fact that they were trying to help, but I needed to cope by myself. Don't know why, but I really needed to work things out on my own.

I looked towards the skies and watched as the sun began its descent behind some clouds. The clouds were taking on a purplish orange tint which reminded me of him. Almost as if to tease me, I saw a mental image of Don. He was smiling at me, and just as quickly as the picture came to me, it disappeared.

_No matter what I do, he haunts me everywhere I go! _

Tears pricked my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I could cry until my eyes fell out and it wouldn't do me any good. As I struggled to keep the tears at bay, he began to fill every single inch within my brain. Shutting my eyes tightly, I tried to block out all of the memories that were flooding back to me.

I wasn't having much luck doing so. Childhood memories to present day images continued to assault my senses. Images of the two of us playing with race cars or trading beds when I couldn't tolerate sharing a bed with Mikey came back to me. There was also a clear picture in my mind of the time when I managed to total the Shell Cycle. Donnie hadn't been too happy with me that day.

As a matter of fact, he hadn't spoken to me for weeks after that. It was only at both Leo and Mikey's request that he had finally forgiven me for what I had done to the Shell Cycle. And then there was the moment where I last him saw… These memories were just too much for me. If these memories persisted, it would only be a matter of time before I snapped.

"Raph…"

Upon opening my eyes, I got up and looked around wildly, my eyes large, filled with fright and glazed over. I could have sworn I heard him calling my name. Then again, I had always been a little off in the head, so if I truly was hallucinating then that came as no surprise. Glancing back up at the skies, though, I did nothing to dispel the angry words that came from deep within me.

"You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? You just had to go out there that night so you could take a walk! The one time you didn't use your head and now you're nothing more than a memory! Why couldn't you have left well enough alone!"

After my harsh outburst, I received no answer. As if I was really expecting him to just pop up and tell me that the previous hellish five years were finally over. That everything was finally going to be all right, but in my heart, I knew that was not the case. He was gone, but that was not the problem. The problem was me actually accepting his death.

If I had not been successful by now, then I was probably going to die trying.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Author's Notes:**_ What can I say? I've been having a really rough time in real life (personal crises galore not to mention school and work have been taking up a good bulk of my time) but luckily I had a bit of free time today so I decided to update! Sorry for the long wait everyone! Happy reading!

_**Disclaimer:**_ Don't own anything TMNT related and never will.

Chapter 4

April's point of view

When I entered my shop, I was rather shocked to see Michelangelo. After what happened five years ago, I had seen a lot less of the guys. I had tried my best to comfort them and give them any type of support, but my efforts were in vain. Kind words and visits could only do so much to dull the pain that came from losing a loved one.

With Donnie's death, the departure of my parents had flooded back to me with a fierce vengeance. Night after night, as I tried to sleep, I relived those horrible events that took them away from me. First, dad took sick and left us. Then after he died, mom began to wither away. When people said that you could die from a broken heart, they didn't know how right they were. Once my parents died, there was such a deep and unquenchable ache inside me.

I thought that no one would be able to help me pick up the broken pieces. That I was forever doomed to live a life void of all feeling. Had it not been for the guys coming into my life, then I wouldn't be standing here today.

Hardly having time to ponder the past, I donned a cheerful façade and greeted him.

"Hey, Mikey, what brings you here?"

Mikey's eyes lit up. "It's been so long since I've last seen you, April!"

He rushed over and hugged me, and I returned the gesture. Once we let go of one another, I watched as the merriment quickly left his features. Noticing the solemn look on his face, I just knew what was coming.

"I was gonna go see Don and since you couldn't make it last time, I figured I'd invite you to come with me."

It hurt too much to turn him down. Even though I desperately didn't want to go and see Don, I knew I would have to. Raphael wasn't the only one who was having problems accepting that he was gone.

"I have to close the shop first, so could you wait while I did that? By the way, where'd Casey go?" I asked curiously.

"Casey left out a little while ago. He mentioned something about going to go and talk to Raph."

"He's okay, isn't he? He hasn't done anything, has he?"

The panicked look on my face must have been a dead give away. I thought for sure that Raphael had gone and done something foolish this time. Fearing the worst, I turned away from him and starting walking towards the door.

A terrible, cold fear was slowly coiling itself around my heart. After all the guys had been through, the last thing they needed was the death of another family member. Right when my hand graced the doorknob, Michelangelo spoke so softly that I almost didn't hear him.

"No, but Casey wants to make sure he doesn't."

I pulled my hand away from the door and turned back around to face him. I was almost certain that something terrible had happened, but when those words left his mouth, a small slither of relief trickledthrough me. I don't think I could have handled another loss so soon.

As I began the slow process of closing down the shop, my thoughts drifted back to Donatello. I was so preoccupied in remembering him that I failed to notice the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. It wasn't until I felt Mikey hugging me that I gave in. Crying always did make the healing process go faster, but if that was the case, then why was I feeling like the world had just ended?

Leonardo's point of view

Karai had no idea where I was taking her. As we walked through the sewers, I was faintly aware of our breathing and the sound of water sloshing around my feet as she walked alongside me on the concrete ledge. We continued in silence until she finally worked up the nerve to ask me where we were going.

"I've spent the last few years of my life mourning for my brother. I haven't done anything productive since Don's death. I almost died from grief, but after seeing him last night…" I trailed off.

I was fighting back five years of grief, inner turmoil and self-loathing. I couldn't lose control, not when I had finally gained some of it back. I didn't want to become a useless mass of flesh that slept his life away ever again.

That Leonardo was dead and in his place now stood a broken and tired individual, who had finally accepted that life was cruel and often twisted. Losing someone that was close to my heart only further proved my point.

"What do you mean, seeing him?"

Had I been able to see her face, I'm sure she would have had looked very confused. Suppressing the insane bitterness that plagued me for the last few years, I sighed heavily.

"When I say I saw him, I mean that I had a dream about him. I was standing on some sort of cliff that overlooked a huge ocean. The skies were clear and the sun was shining brightly. It was really a peaceful place. I just stood there admiring the view when I heard his voice. I was so overcome with happiness that when I located him, I ran to him. I'd intended on hugging him, but when I passed through him instead, my heart shattered into a million pieces. He stared at me sadly and then I cried. Just by seeing him, I truly thought that he'd come back, but the dead can't come back to life."

Whether or not I had done it on purpose, my voice had come out rough and extremely bitter. I paused with my explanation, hoping to regain some control. Karai glanced my way, but I refused to meet her gaze.

"Leonardo?" she questioned hesitantly.

"I was so worried about him. I didn't know if he was okay or not, but after having that dream, it served as some type of reassurance," I answered softly.

Briefly glancing over at her, I saw her digest this information and then nod. I took this as a sign for me to continue speaking.

"It must have been his way of saying that he was okay. At the same time though, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was worried about us. Especially Raph. I think he was trying to tell me that we have to get Raph to make peace with him,otherwise he'll never be able to rest."

Halting my explanation, I glanced over at Karai and caught sight of her disbelieving look. I didn't blame her for not fully believing me. After all, it's not every day that a loved one appeared to you in a dream after they've died and tries to communicate with you.

"Donnie never said a word but it was his eyes that drew me in. He kept giving me these sad and longing looks and at one point I could have sworn there were tears in his eyes. Maybe I'm reading too much into the dream but I think Donnie's worried that Raph is going to die… I know this must sound ridiculous to you but it's the truth."

Sighing softly with her questioning look still present, she merely asked, "How can we help him, Leonardo? We have tried, but he has done nothing but push us away. He has shut us out for so long that I do not see how this time will be any different."

This time when I looked at her, there was no mistaking the sadness and doubt surrounding her.

"Earlier, I overheard Mikey telling Raph that he was going to go and visit Don. I think it's about time all of us went back there one last time. We have to let Raph grieve for him; otherwise it's only going to be a matter of time before Raph loses himself completely."

She caught my gaze and then stopped walking. "If that is the case," she questioned, "then why did you not inform Master Splinter of your intentions?"

"Master Splinter and Mikey are the only two who have come to terms with Don's death. I didn't bother telling him where we were going, because in some kind of way, he already knew that it's time to let go."

Our eyes locked in mutual agreement. It was time to move on with our lives, and the only effective way of doing so was by grieving together as a family.

Silence once again settled over us as we continued walking. By now, we had left the sewers and were topside. I didn't know if Mikey had already left or not, but I hoped it was the latter. Our trip to the surface would have been very meaningless if he'd already left.

Casey's point of view

I arrived at my apartment just a couple of minutes ago. A quick sweep of it told me that Raph had been here, but the question was where did he disappear to? The punching bag had been left untouched. There was nothing missing from the refrigerator **--**namely any alcoholic beverages-- and he wasn't seated on the couch watching television. I thought about it, though, and after a while realization dawned on me. If he wasn't in the apartment complex, then he was obviously on the roof.

I opened the front door, closed it and then went up the stairs, taking slow and careful steps. It's not that they were old and squeaky; it was the coming confrontation between Raph and I that was causing me to wonder if this was the right thing to do. Things could very well get ugly, but it was something that needed to be done. Opening the door, I saw my friend sitting down with his knees drawn to his plastron.

Quietly walking up behind him, I took a seat next to him. For a few moments, neither of us dared to speak. Raph was eventually the one who broke the ice.

"What do ya want, Case?"

"The others are worried about you," I said, cutting straight to the chase.

I turned to face him and took note of the anger that seemed to be always present in his face as he sighed loudly.

"What is it with you people? First Mikey wants me to go and visit him, then Leo tells me about some dream and how worried my deceased brother is, and now I got ya here telling me that everyone's worried about me! How many times do I have to say that I'm_** FINE**_!"

Steeling myself for the storm that was sure to come, I continued to speak with him.

"You're not fine. If you were fine then you wouldn't be crashing at my place almost every night because you're too wasted to go home or because you've got too much drugs in your system. Whether or not you like it, Raph, you gotta accept his death."

I watched him as he got up and began walking away. His shoulders were visibly tensed as he curled and uncurled his hands. I could tell he was fighting an internal battle but I was determined to make him understand that he couldn't go this one alone.

"And just where do ya think yer going!" I asked angrily. I was sick and tired of him running away from his problems. Someone needed to set him straight, and there was no one better than me for the job.

"Away from you, obviously! I'm sick of everyone telling me that I need to open up and that if I don't then I'm going to die!"

Rising to my feet, I walked over to him and grabbed him by the arm. I spun him around to face me and then stood directly in front of him.

" Damn! You have got to be the most thick headed and stubborn man on this planet! And that's saying something considering it's coming from me!"

"If I wanted a lecture, I would have stayed home or better yet I would have gone to April's place! Now lay off!"

He tried to turn away from me again but I was not going to let this drop. For a moment I had to remind myself that getting angry wouldn't help but I was extremely close to skipping the formalities and just letting my fists do the talking for me. Apparently the idiot didn't understand what it meant to be graceful and considerate. Not that this was anything new to me but desperate times called for desperate measures.

When I got in his face again though, he glared menacingly at me. I returned the expression with just as much malice and anger. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe just maybe you're killing yourself! When's the last time you actually smiled, laughed or even did anything with your family? When's the last time you went to see him? Oh, wait, I can answer that! You haven't seen him since we buried him! For once, stop running away from your problems and act like a man!" I shouted in his face.

As soon as those words left my mouth, his fist connected with my jaw. Staggering backwards from the blow, I caught myself and watched as he turned his disdainful glare upon me.

"What would you know about losing someone? You don't know what it's like holding someone that you care for deeply in your arms as they slowly fade away, do you? You have no idea how I felt! He died in my arms and I couldn't do anything to help him! I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye or that I loved him one last time! So don't you tell me any of that crap about being a man and facing my problems! As far as I'm concerned," he shouted, "you stay the hell out of my way and I'll stay the hell out of yours!"

I knew his words were only said out of anger, but that didn't give him the right to behave like this. His words hurt, but the truth was that I understood better than anyone what it was like to lose a loved one and then to be filled with regret, grief and self-loathing because of how things turned out.

"My father was _**killed **_by the Purple Dragons. They took him away from me, and he sure as hell was important to me! I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or tell him that I loved him one last time, either! So don't you dare try to tell me that being a man and facing your problems is crap! You have people who are worried sick about you and yet you can't see that. You'd rather let yourself die than go on with life! Do you really think he'd want that?" I nearly screamed at him.

He ignored me and kept on walking to the door that led back downstairs. He opened it and then slammed it shut. I wanted to go after him and beat some sense into him, but that still wouldn't do me any good. Once he was gone, I looked up at the sky while rubbing my sore jaw.

"Donnie, I sure wish you were here," I said softly.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's Notes**_: Hello! Unfortunately, this is the last chapter. Looking back on this story, I've noticed that I've become extremely fond of this story. Maybe it's because I can really relate to Raph in this story but either way I'm very sad to see this story end. On a significantly brighter note though, I have plans of making ANOTHER (yes you read that right) another unofficial sequel to Mistaken Loyalties. In that story, it's going to cover certain aspects of ML that I didn't cover the first time. But for this story, this is the end and before anyone asks, I have no intentions of making a sequel to this story. Thanks for sticking with me during this story. Italics will denote character thoughts and without further ado, happy reading and enjoy!

_**Disclaim**_er: How many times do I have say I don't own the TMNT franchise?! I don't own them okay? Okay.

Chapter 5

Raphael's point of view

No matter where I go, they keep bugging me. I just want to be left alone. Is that so hard to understand or too much to ask? For once, can't they respect my wishes and leave me be?

_That won't be happening any time soon, Raph, and you know it. They're just trying to help you, but you can't see that. You're too busy wallowing in your own self-hatred and grief to even notice the light. As much as you don't want to admit it, Casey was right. You need to be a man and face your problems head-on._

Sighing heavily, I continued walking back to the lair. Maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to get some rest before they started up with me again.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself at home. It was late, and I had expected everyone to be asleep, but Master Splinter was waiting on me. I thought that was a bit strange, because all he seemed to be doing lately was meditating. As I was about to walk past him, he reached out and took hold of my arm.

"Come with me, my son."

Knowing better than to argue, I walked alongside him. When we got to our destination, it was like the breath had been knocked out of me. He had taken me to Donnie's room. It was just the way he had left it before he went out for a walk.

Completed gadgets were strewn about on his workbench. His bed was made. Some books and papers were lying on his desk. Spare parts were littered about on the floor, as well as several half-finished projects. There was a noticeable amount of dust covering his desk and his inventions, but I didn't care about any of that.

The only thing I could think about was getting out of here. I had to leave before I could remember. I began backing up as if the room had suddenly become poisonous. Desperate in my attempt to escape, I started breathing heavily and quickly. I was so distressed that somewhere along the lines, I started gasping for air.

It was like I was being strangled.

"Raphael, you must come to terms with Donatello's passing. You cannot go on any longer like this. I fear that you are killing yourself without even realizing it."

Angrily shaking my head, I tried to run, but Master Splinter had a firm grip on my arm. I couldn't do anything except watch as those memories of Donatello began to play behind my eyes.

_Hey, Raph, hand me that screwdriver. _

_What did you guys break this time? _

_This is it! I've finally finished working on my latest project!_

_Raph, keep still! This will only take a second. Besides, if you hadn't gone after those last two Purple Dragons like Leo said then you wouldn't be in my room, getting patched up._

_I know he didn't mean to break the game so please don't TRY to kill Mikey. He was only fooling around._

_I love you, Raphael._

Time stood still as I opened my mouth and let loose such an anguished and terrified scream that I thought everyone in New York heard me. With a renewed vigor, I wretched my arm out of Master Splinter's and tried to run, but he quickly intercepted me and wrapped his arms around me. Fighting against him proved to be useless because he still had an iron grip on me.

As we sunk to the floor, the tears that I had been holding at bay for the last few years finally came. My tears quickly turned into deep, heartbreaking and gut wrenching sobs.

Even though my head was beginning to hurt and the sobs were painfully racking my body, I didn't care. All I could think about was all those years that I spent taking Don for granted or simply ignoring him. Now that he was gone, it only made my heart ache and twist in agony.

Between my screaming and crying, I could vaguely hear Master Splinter's talking about something,but it didn't matter.

Nothing did. My brother was gone, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it, either.

"That's it, Raphael," he said, his voice barely distinguishable through the roaring in my ears. "Let it out. Just let it all out."

As my screaming gradually subsided and as the tears began to lessen, the soft sounds of a piano began to fill every inch of the lair. We just sat on the floor as the soft and soothing melody continued. I had no clue why I was suddenly hearing music but then I remembered Splinter sometimes had some music on while he meditated. He must have left the music on or maybe he had planned all of this. Either way, the melody was so gentle and calming that I found myself struggling to stay awake on more than one occasion.

Once the music had finished, I cried even harder because something had been stirred in my heart. I don't know what it was, but I now had a desperate and urgent need to see him.

Almost as if sensing the change in my attitude and feelings, Master Splinter released me. As I stood up on shaky legs, I knew that I had finally won the battle.

"Come, my son. It is time to pay our final respects to Donatello," he said as he rose up from the ground as well.

Glancing over in his direction, I noticed that he had been crying, too. His muzzle was wet and his eyes looked a bit glossy.

Slowly nodding, one thought kept running through my mind as we left our home.

_Everyone, please wait for me._

Leonardo's point of view

When Karai and I entered April's shop, I saw everyone except Raph and Master Splinter. I had been hoping that he would finally come around, but this was Raph. He didn't do anything he didn't want to do.

That's just the way he is.

"If everyone is ready, then we should get going," I said softly.

One by one we filed out of the shop. As we were preparing to enter the Battle Shell, an all too familiar voice startled us.

"Got any room in there for me?"

Without thinking, I jumped out of the Battle Shell and hugged him tightly. Raphael, my hardheaded, stubborn, hotheaded brother, was finally going to go and see Donnie.

At first Raph was hesitant to hug me back. It wasn't until I tightened my hold on him that he returned the gesture. Leaning in close to him, I whispered, "Are you all right?"

Smirking just a bit, he mumbled back, "Of course."

Reluctantly I let him go and stepped aside. Looking around at the others, I noticed that they were all wrestling with their own feelings at seeing Raph. Mikey was smiling so brightly that I couldn't help smiling either. April had tears glistening in her eyes as Casey loosely held her. He too was smiling but his smile was just a tad bit brighter than Mikey's.

It wasn't until Raph silently said the words thank you to Casey that I understood why Casey was so happy to see Raph. In that instant, I realized that there had been a subtle and mutual understanding that passed between the two of them.

Unlike April, Karai merely nodded but if you were to look closer, anyone would have been able to tell that she was glad Raph had finally come to his senses. As for Master Splinter, he seemed to be extremely content that we were all back together again.

"I didn't think you'd make it." I said lightly, almost as if I were teasing him.

Briefly glancing over in Master Splinter's direction, he returned my slight jab. "A certain someone convinced me that it was time to let go."

I nodded and as we all got into the Battle Shell, I couldn't stop smiling. My family was far from being whole, but we were finally starting to pick up the pieces of our old life.

The ride up to the farmhouse was quiet. None of us dared to even speak; for fear that we might start crying. As the hours passed, I had sunk so deep in my thoughts that I almost missed it when the van stopped. One by one, we got out and began the slow trek to his grave.

When we arrived at his burial site, Michelangelo and April were already crying. Shortly after hearing their tears, I found myself joining them.

Raphael's point of view

Taking several deep breaths, I slowly walked to his grave. I hadn't even made it five feet when my legs gave out. I fell to my knees and just sat there as the tears came back. Hot, fat, angry tears rolled down my cheeks. I did nothing to wipe them away.

After an eternity, I finally found my voice.

"Hey, Donnie, I know I'm late coming to see you and all, but it's been hard."

My voice sounded so strange and foreign to me. It was almost as if someone had ripped out my vocal chords and replaced them with someone else's. I didn't know nor did I care if the others were still present or not. I had to talk to my brother, and I was going to do so with or without them.

"Would you believe that I'm ticked at you for kicking the bucket first? That was supposed to be my honor, but you took that from me. I'm not here to lecture you about that, though. I guess it took me so long to come because I was afraid."

Running a hand over my head and face, I started talking again.

"I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to let go, but in the end that's exactly what happened. By not coming to see you, I just put off the inevitable. I tried everything I could think of to not remember… to just forget about you dying in my arms, but no matter what, I couldn't forget. I told you such harsh and angry things, and then for you to just tell me that you loved me…"

I trailed off, but then found my voice again. "What on the earth were you thinking! Did you have any clue that those three little words would haunt me wherever I went? I never really paid you much attention and I never really told you, but Donnie, I admired you. You were the smartest, kindest and best person that ever lived. Even when I was acting like the idiot that I am, you still loved me and put up with me. I know that these words are too little, too late, but I figured you had the right to know that you weren't unloved or underappreciated. I'll see you again someday, so until I do, I'll try not to get myself killed. Wouldn't want to come and see you too early, now would I?"

I must have stayed outside for quite some time, because by the time I got up, the sun had already gone down. Glancing around for a bit, I noticed that I really was alone. Knowing the others, they had probably gone to the farmhouse ahead of me and were probably waiting for me. They might have also left earlier than expected because they might have wanted to give me some alone time with Donnie.

Looking up, I saw a vast number of stars dancing across the skies with the moon in clear view. One star in particular caught my attention. It was a shooting star.

Quickly closing my eyes, I made my wish.

"I've never been one to believe in you, but if you really do exist, can you please help me to be the friend, son, and brother that I know I can be?" I whispered softly as I opened my eyes.

Watching as the star zoomed through the skies then slowly faded away, I gazed at his unmarked grave that rested underneath an oak tree. As a gentle and cool breeze began blowing around me, stirring the orange, yellow and brown leaves spread throughout the lawn, I walked back to the house, knowing that things were beginning to look up. Even though life had dealt me a fair share of hardships, there were people who loved me and needed me.

There wasn't any need for me to keep living life in the past when I had the future ahead of me.


End file.
